I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
