party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
