R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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