I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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