THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
