before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
