turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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