Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Actions speak louder than pants.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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