All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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