If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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