my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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