Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She told me I should be a condom model.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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