I hate all girls vehemently.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
