i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
