How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
