I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
