I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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