Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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