is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
