Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize