If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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