So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
