"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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