Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
