I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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