Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
