I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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