i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize