summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
