I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
