I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
