I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
