I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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