I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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