Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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