So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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