bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
