two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
