party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
