You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
