she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
