There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
