I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
