he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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