I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
