he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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