There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
