i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
