I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
