I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
