I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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