I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
