I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
