I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
