my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize
