I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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