So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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