Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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