Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
