just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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