Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
